It is a fact that as human beings one of our most basic needs is to fit in with the environment that we live in.
From childhood, we learn about where we come from and what makes up our family. As we grow older, we start to ask questions about ourselves and start to build an identity for ourselves that matches our view of the world around us.

During our teenage years we experience some of the most defining moments that stay with us through to our adult lives. It is during this time that we lay down the foundations to who we are and how we relate to the people around us.

Relationships are formed because each one of us has a need to fit in. The way we “fit in” is different for everyone. That is why there are so many various hobbies, groups and social events available to take part in. Each person joining these different groups may share a common interest on the surface, but may have more specific needs that they want to fulfill by joining a particular group. Some are looking for their “soul mates”, individuals to whom they are intimately drawn to through a favorable meeting of minds and with whom they find mutual acceptance and understanding with one another.

On a deeper level though, all these different groups and ways of self expression share a common link: the need to feel valued as an individual and to be listened to as a human being. In any interpersonal relationship, for most of us, there is nothing more important than being aware that we are being listened to and are valued for being ourselves. After all what is the real reason for you wanting to be in a relationship? What is your definition of a long lasting relationship?

If you breakdown the word relationship to re-late, it is easier to understand the whole mechanism of positive lasting relationships. When you develop the ability to relate or to connect to other people around you, whether it is at work or in your personal life, you stop seeing them just from your point of view and are willing to see things from their perspective. Once you are able to free your thoughts from your world and start noticing the events of others around you, your world changes and you grow as a person. You start to see yourself and the things that you say and do from a different angle and this helps you to understand the people in your life better.

Creating and having positive relationships is something that most people want. Even if they deny it, everyone at one point in their life is looking to better themselves by improving their interrelationship skills. No matter what kind of relationship it is, work or personal, the need is the same: To create understanding so that your common goals can be achieved together.

The problem is, when a person wants to improve their relationship skills, they fall into a common trap. Hence, they start learning certain techniques that will help them become better communicators’ i.e. positive mental attitude (P.M.A) and body language. On their own they do produce good results, but on the whole they still leave the user limited to the kind of quality they can have in their relationships. Even though they may see themselves coming from a more enlightened path, unless they see other people as human beings with needs of their own, people around them will always be resistant to their advances. This is because we have the ability to sense when someone is not being entirely truthful to us. So even though you might try to take an interest in your co-workers simply to try and build good rapport for your work team, if you don’t genuinely see them as individual human beings they will notice this and will put up a barrier between you and them.

Can you think of a similar situation in your personal life when someone was trying hard to show their interest in you simply because they wanted to gain some advantage over you? How did that feel? There are few things worse than feeling that someone isn’t being totally honest with you. It causes you to be less open to them and to be on your guard. So what can you do to make sure that you don’t fall into this trap?

The first thing is to find out what it is you want from the relationships you seek. What specific qualities would you like the other person to have? Are they confident? Are they honest? Are they loyal? By finding out what it is you want from a relationship, sets up the boundaries for what you will and will not accept from a relationship.

To find out about the kind of person you want to be having a lasting relationship with also involves knowing yourself better. Are you confident, honest or loyal? Do you need to change yourself or your habits to be able to find your “ideal” partner? What would you have to do differently to be with that person you want?

When you are looking for the perfect relationship, it is not only about what others should do for you. It is also about what you would like to do for others. Imagine your ideal relationship, how would you fit into the picture? Sometimes when you dream about something, you concentrate on how the whole scene would look like and what everyone will be doing, but you forget to focus on yourself and the things you will be doing differently.

Creating positive and lasting relationships comes down to creating a positive and lasting outlook on your life. All too often we get caught up in our everyday lives and thoughts and it is easy to lose sight of the potential power we have in ourselves to achieve our deepest desires. When this happens, the people around you will notice and retreat further away from the ideal that you want to create.

To break this cycle requires an awareness that it exists in the first place. By hiring a life coach who specialises in relationships, you could easily find solutions to your relationship problems. A relationship coach is there to help you reconnect with who you really want to be.